Emily Leon 6/11/24 Emily Leon 6/11/24

Sons of Narcissistic Mothers

June is one month dedicated to #mensmentalhealthawareness but if you were raised by a narcissistic mother, you may be more used to ignoring your own mental health 12 months out of the year.

Men already have unrealistic societal expectations placed on them for how they should handle their emotions. But, having a mom early in life who can’t meet your emotional needs makes the journey even harder.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother you may have experienced neglect as your needs were superseded by hers.

Baby crying? Mom can’t deal with you right now

Baby hungry? Shhh … wait mom’s busy

Baby sad or frustrated? Ugh why are you always so needy, can’t you see mom can’t handle you right now?

This disregard of your needs starts in infancy, but lasts throughout your childhood and then into your adult life.

You learn to meet your mom’s needs in order to try to get your own met. And it creates anxiety and oversensitivity to your mom’s changing emotional states.

A safe mom is one who is getting all the attention, who is getting her needs met first. It is not emotionally safe for you to have needs that conflict with hers.

In adulthood this can impact how you relate to others. You may find yourself people pleasing, getting into relationships with critical and possibly emotionally abusive partners, and having difficulty receiving and giving unconditional love.

It’s a big attachment injury to overcome and there is a lot of grief in confronting the reality that your mom couldn’t love you the way you needed to be loved.

An emotionally healthy mother and son relationship makes space for the child to develop into his own person and know that his mother will love him even if he displeases her. The relationship you’re used to - however - comes with a lot of conditions to keep your mother’s love.

Do you feel like you have to …

let her speak to you a certain way (even if it feels bad)
let her criticize you without speaking up
work a certain job or make a certain sum
give her money, praise, or gifts to keep her love
put her relationship above all your other relationships (maybe even above your spouse/partner and even children)

Therapy can help you heal when you’re ready to hear that:

“You deserved to have your needs met when you were vulnerable and small”
“You deserve to have your needs met now and feel safe being vulnerable”

Author’s note - a little self-disclosure; as I have been writing this piece it has taken several tries and interruptions as my own 10 month old son struggles to go down for his morning nap. As I’ve been writing I’ve been mindful of the clock on the wall and the timer on his monitor and have been mentally weighing if this is the “right” amount of time for him to cry for him to learn independent sleeping skills. Or, if because he is teething he might benefit from a few more check-ins than usual, maybe some extra soothing milk, or another change. After a few visits over the past 40 minutes he has finally settled into a comfortable sleep.

Did I want to write this uninterrupted?

For sure.

Were his needs more important than my wants?

Absolutely.

Hopefully if his needs are met more often than not … he will expect that from the people in his life. That he deserves to have his needs met. That he is worthy of love because of who he is, not because of what he does.

Emily Leon 6/9/24 Emily Leon 6/9/24

How Narcissism Impacts Family

The term “narcissist” can be found all over social media these days. All of us have varying levels of narcissism, and narcissistic tendencies in the right amounts can actually be very helpful. Traits such as:

Ambitiousness/having big goals
Charm/Charisma
Confidence
Persuasiveness
Willingness to break rules or go outside the box

True Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) however, takes a toll on relationships and family systems because of these behaviors and traits in the extreme. Having unrealistic goals (or delusions of grandeur) can put a strain on a family’s finances as they try to assuage the family members demands or beliefs that they deserve more than others. The charming facade can be in stark and confusing contrast to the withdrawal of love and coldness when the family member feels their needs aren’t being met to their extreme expectations. Persuasion can become manipulative and controlling leaving family members exploited and hurt. That willingness to break the rules can create psychological and physical harm in others.

So what can family members do?

Set boundaries

Now here’s the hard part about boundaries. Boundaries aren’t telling the other person to change their behavior and expecting them to do so right away. Boundaries are not saying “you can’t do that”

Boundaries are you saying “you can’t do that AND if you continue to do that when I’ve asked you not to then I will have to remove myself to protect myself”

Boundaries may look like:

limiting the information you share (grey-rocking)
limiting the time you devote to them
limiting physical access by removing yourself physically
Not responding to calls, texts, etc.
Limiting contact on social media

The extreme case of a set boundary is going no contact. It’s not easy and if you’re healing from narcissistic abuse or think you may be in a relationship with someone with clinical narcissism (NPD), you don’t have to handle this alone. Therapy can help you process the thoughts and feelings you’re likely struggling with after experiencing tactics such as gas-lighting and coercive control. Therapy is also the best place to safely learn and practice new ways of setting effective boundaries. Reach out today!

And if you just want to feel some of these heartbreaking feelings of loss and confusion, try listening to this song that may say just exactly what you’ve been feeling and experiencing Click Here

Emily Leon 10/6/23 Emily Leon 10/6/23

ADHD Awareness Month

When people think about ADHD they may picture someone with tons of hobbies struggling to sit still. But, ADHD can also look like getting stuck on the couch (as my 15 year old dog, Milli Vanilli is demonstrating here) and having loads of started projects… and not very many finished ones.

Undiagnosed adult ADHD is receiving more attention these days, and if you’re reading this you may have wondered if this could be you. ADHD can be easily missed in individuals who are skilled at masking and whose ADHD makes them an asset on teams. You may recognize these individuals as having creative solutions, being innovators, jumping in to start projects or lend a hand… so ADHD is not necessarily always a negative thing. After all, celebrities like Bill Gates, Will Smith, and Simone Biles have ADHD. So, you’re in very good company if this is you.

Where ADHD gets tricky (especially if you’re not diagnosed) is when the symptoms - and energy it’s taking you to mask those symptoms - are getting in the way of you enjoying your everyday life.

Symptoms may include:

Irritability
Anxiety
Depression
Low self-esteem
Job instability
Relationship difficulties
Coping using caffeine or other substances

So what can you do? There are so many skills and techniques out there for managing ADHD including psychotherapy and medications such as stimulants. Experts in our area for childhood ADHD and family therapy include Better Together Family Therapy in Kensington, MD. We highly recommend checking out their blog to get started on your journey understanding the benefits and challenges that come along with having ADHD.

Emily Leon 9/22/23 Emily Leon 9/22/23

PTS in the DMV

Living in the greater Washington area means access to many different resources. The trick is that you have to know what to look for.

Living in the greater Washington area means access to many different resources. The trick is that you have to know what to look for. For the treatment of PTS, we recommend several local options that complement psychotherapy.

Doctors Mulvaney and Lynch are pioneers of the SGB treatment for PTS and are conveniently located at ROSM in Annapolis Maryland.

SGB or the Stellate Ganglion Block is a simple outpatient procedure similar to getting a nerve block for back pain. Instead of reducing physical pain, the SGB procedure helps to reduce the overactive fight or flight response. This provides lasting symptom relief.

Learn more here

For ketamine treatment of PTS we recommend the compassionate care of Dr. Eshkevari at Avesta. This treatment can help new neural pathways form reducing the symptoms of PTS, anxiety, treatment resistant depression, and suicidal ideation.

For members of our military community, we have a family resource practically in our backyard in the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains. Boulder Crest Foundation believes in the principle of Post-traumatic Growth (PTG) and offers retreats for veterans and their families.